the best choice i've ever made

Right, ummmm.....where was I?!

We were living in Orange at the time, and not long before we went to Tonga, we came to Canberra for a weekend to visit DH's cousins. I fell in love with Canberra. It had a big country town feel to it. I said "I'd like to live here" and DH said "Why don't we?" and I said "Well, why dont we?!".....so that's what we did!!

Our job in Orange was offering voluntary redundancies, so we applied, and were both approved, so after we came home from Tonga, we packed up our stuff and headed across the border. It was the first day of Spring, and it seems fitting somehow, because it was the start of a new life for us.

I didn't know anyone in Canberra (except Dh's cousins, who I'd only met the one time), had no job, and nowhere to live, but it felt right. We found somewhere to live, both got offered good jobs, and so began our life in Canberra.

DH was keen to go back to his Tongan roots, so began to attend a Tongan-speaking church service. I started to go along with him, not really because I wanted to, but because I knew it made him happy.

Mostly I was bored stiff, and hardly understood a word, but I loved to listen to the singing. To be honest I didn't believe in "churches". I believed that God lived in people, not buildings, and so I didnt expect to meet God in that place.

Around this time, I discovered that I was pregnant. This was a big surprise for me, because even though I had stopped taking the pill, I was convinced that I would never be able to have a baby. (Let me go back a bit here - after I lost my baby son, I desperately wanted another baby. About 6 months after Isaac died, I discovered I was pregnant again. I wanted to be thrilled and excited, but somehow, nothing was the same as it was the first time. At about 9 weeks pregnant, I began bleeding, and I resigned myself to losing another baby. By the time it was discovered that it was an ectopic pregnancy, it was too late, the tube had already burst, and was bleeding into my stomach. I had emergency surgery, and the tube was removed.

This just seemed to confirm everything I believed about God. If He even existed, He didn't care about me, and I didn't even like Him!! This also seemed to prove that I was never meant to have a baby. I went on the pill, but I was never very strict, and often went days at a time without taking it. I hated the pill, I never felt like my old self, and after moving to Canberra, I (well, we, actually!!) decided to stop taking it, because I was convinced by now, that I could not fall pregnant, anyway. How wrong I was!!!).

Just after this we bought our first home, and moved in.

My parents were disappointed in my decision to live together, and have a baby out of wedlock. I really missed my mum during this time, and I often felt very lonely during my pregnancy, with no family or friends nearby, and while sitting through church, Sunday after Sunday, I began to feel a yearning to have God in my life.

I had never felt this way before. In my youth, I considered myself a Christian, because it was the right thing to do, and I was scared that if I died, I would end up in hell. But now, I longed to feel God near me, and to know that He was with me, and with this precious life growing inside me.

I wondered how I could have Him in my life, after pushing Him away and ignoring Him for so long.I thought that maybe I could reach Him if I prayed, but it had been so long since I prayed, I didn't even know how to.

One night I was laying in my bed, and in desperation, I decided to try and reach out to God. I told Him all the things I was thankful for, every little thing I could think of, even the dark and dreadful experiences I had been through, because even though they almost broke me at the time, they had helped to make me into the person I am now.

I did this every night, and after four or five nights, I started to feel something change. My heart, that was hard and bitter and cynical, started to become thankful and loving. I started to feel the presence of God come close to me. I do not know how to explain this, except to say, I just knew.

There was no "Saul on the road to Damascus" moment when I was struck down by a bright light, but from then on, I started to see God in little things. Whenever something good happened, I remembered God, and said "thank you". Whenever I was annoyed or frustrated, I remembered that God was watching me. When I was worried about things that were out of my control, I handed it over to God, and I began to feel at peace, for the first time in my life.

I had spent years wrestling with God, over who should control my life. I wanted to run my own life!!! And all that had ever brought me, was misery and pain. In the end, I handed the reigns over to Him, gladly.

And it's the best choice I've ever made.